Italian Lost

"Oh, alright he lives over in that foot over there."



Crap, a mention of the statue amused me. Did time between seasons soften me?

Argh!

Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in!

Television Without Pity used to be a supremely awesome website. Then Bravo bought them and it was kind of great. Then the original founders left and it was awful. But then! Then they dare nominate the four toed statue as best inaminate object in their annual Tubey Awards and they were super horrible.

What the eff people? It's the summer! We're on hiatus!

Crocodile?

Elsewhere it's been noted that the statue's head resembles a crocodile which is pretty on point. I interviewed a member of Zeeba Zeeba Eata, the Fraternity of Crocodiles, on his opinion about the statue, and he had this to say:


Frankly, I agree.

[Image from here. Pearls Before Swine is created and written by Stephan Pastis and is adorable, funny and awesome. Read it here daily.]

The Incident

Guess what Internet? You were wrong. Everyone who has made some sort of "See? I told you the statue was important" comment can just shush, and wait for their box of snakes to arrive in the mail. The season five finale proved my point about the statue: it's just a statue, just a thing, not the Rosetta Stone of Lost.

Let's recap:
- The statue used to have a body that may be one of various Egyptian gods. Uh, yeah, we knew that. But what does that matter? The show has shown us various Egyptian symbols (Jacob's tapestry, the walls in the temple, the symbols on the countdown clock in the hatch, etc.) it's not ground breaking that it's an Egyptian god statue.
- Jacob lives in the statue's shoe. OK, this is kind of cool, mostly because I don't think anyone thought of it. We, like Locke, believed Ben when he said that was Jacob's cabin. [Sidebar: Err, Jacob, there's no roof on your foot house, won't all your weaving projects get wet? No wonder it took a long time to make, you had to start over every time it rained. And if you're all all-knowing and un-aging, wouldn't you just touch some minions and get them to build you a kick-ass mansion with a water slide?]
- What lies in the shadow of the statue? Something Latin and BORING! So in the shadow of the statue is the one who will protect/save us? Alright, well show us the shadow of the statue. Is it the whole statue's shadow or just the foot? Those are vastly different areas of coverage.
- For my sister, [insert Party of Five reference here].

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, you still may just win my heart...

Follow the Leader

Oh, heavens, I don't want to jinx it, but TWO WHOLE EPISODES WITHOUT MENTION OF THE STATUE! TWO! Quick, someone find me a giant piece of wood to knock all over because we still have two hours of season five left...

You listen to me, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, and keep this up, I better not see that god damned foot or its dumb dog head again. You done good for two in a row, and if you go for three, you get a tic-tac-toe. Four? You get a Connect Four. Five? Whoa, you don't even want to know, you couldn't handle it.

Some Like It Hoth

Let's recap the most recent Lost episode:

#1 -- Miles is now officially the greatest character on this show. When someone asks, "What lies in the shadow of the statue?" one of the best possible responses is to look at them like they are an idiot. Because they are.

#2 -- Bram is officially the lamest character. (Even lamer than Jack's tattoos, which is pretty huge when you think about it) Shut up, Bram. Star Wars fans: is he lamer than Ewoks?

#3 -- Daniel Faraday!

Popular Mechanics.

I'm so cancelling my subscription to Popular Mechanics. Those bastards think they can get a Professor of Egyptology and Chair of Egyptology to try to get me to care. Psssh, think again, magazine, I will recycle your ass so fast.

We could theorize until the cows come home about what this all means—is the smoke monster supposed to represent Apep, the god of evil, or is he more akin to Anubis, determining the afterlife of the dead? —but we'll leave that up to you.

Thanks, but no thanks Erin Scottberg.