Argh!

Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in!

Television Without Pity used to be a supremely awesome website. Then Bravo bought them and it was kind of great. Then the original founders left and it was awful. But then! Then they dare nominate the four toed statue as best inaminate object in their annual Tubey Awards and they were super horrible.

What the eff people? It's the summer! We're on hiatus!

Crocodile?

Elsewhere it's been noted that the statue's head resembles a crocodile which is pretty on point. I interviewed a member of Zeeba Zeeba Eata, the Fraternity of Crocodiles, on his opinion about the statue, and he had this to say:


Frankly, I agree.

[Image from here. Pearls Before Swine is created and written by Stephan Pastis and is adorable, funny and awesome. Read it here daily.]

The Incident

Guess what Internet? You were wrong. Everyone who has made some sort of "See? I told you the statue was important" comment can just shush, and wait for their box of snakes to arrive in the mail. The season five finale proved my point about the statue: it's just a statue, just a thing, not the Rosetta Stone of Lost.

Let's recap:
- The statue used to have a body that may be one of various Egyptian gods. Uh, yeah, we knew that. But what does that matter? The show has shown us various Egyptian symbols (Jacob's tapestry, the walls in the temple, the symbols on the countdown clock in the hatch, etc.) it's not ground breaking that it's an Egyptian god statue.
- Jacob lives in the statue's shoe. OK, this is kind of cool, mostly because I don't think anyone thought of it. We, like Locke, believed Ben when he said that was Jacob's cabin. [Sidebar: Err, Jacob, there's no roof on your foot house, won't all your weaving projects get wet? No wonder it took a long time to make, you had to start over every time it rained. And if you're all all-knowing and un-aging, wouldn't you just touch some minions and get them to build you a kick-ass mansion with a water slide?]
- What lies in the shadow of the statue? Something Latin and BORING! So in the shadow of the statue is the one who will protect/save us? Alright, well show us the shadow of the statue. Is it the whole statue's shadow or just the foot? Those are vastly different areas of coverage.
- For my sister, [insert Party of Five reference here].

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, you still may just win my heart...

Follow the Leader

Oh, heavens, I don't want to jinx it, but TWO WHOLE EPISODES WITHOUT MENTION OF THE STATUE! TWO! Quick, someone find me a giant piece of wood to knock all over because we still have two hours of season five left...

You listen to me, Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, and keep this up, I better not see that god damned foot or its dumb dog head again. You done good for two in a row, and if you go for three, you get a tic-tac-toe. Four? You get a Connect Four. Five? Whoa, you don't even want to know, you couldn't handle it.

Some Like It Hoth

Let's recap the most recent Lost episode:

#1 -- Miles is now officially the greatest character on this show. When someone asks, "What lies in the shadow of the statue?" one of the best possible responses is to look at them like they are an idiot. Because they are.

#2 -- Bram is officially the lamest character. (Even lamer than Jack's tattoos, which is pretty huge when you think about it) Shut up, Bram. Star Wars fans: is he lamer than Ewoks?

#3 -- Daniel Faraday!

Popular Mechanics.

I'm so cancelling my subscription to Popular Mechanics. Those bastards think they can get a Professor of Egyptology and Chair of Egyptology to try to get me to care. Psssh, think again, magazine, I will recycle your ass so fast.

We could theorize until the cows come home about what this all means—is the smoke monster supposed to represent Apep, the god of evil, or is he more akin to Anubis, determining the afterlife of the dead? —but we'll leave that up to you.

Thanks, but no thanks Erin Scottberg.

He's Our You

Wow, I think this blogging thing just might be working, another statue free episode, hurrah! Oh, no wait, people still have to bring everything back to the damn statue.

From a Lost discussion board* re: Sayid shooting lil' Ben Linus:

"Maybe Sayid only shot off one of his toes."

Yes, he totally shot the toe in the middle of his chest, good catch! Way to go, you solved Lost.

Idiot.

*Since I actually really enjoy where this Lost discussion took place, I won't be a complete jerk and link to this fine post. Just know it exists, and it hurts me.

The Internet

I unfortunately missed last week's episode "Namaste" since I was on vacation, but thanks to ABC.com, I'm all caught up now. A statue free episode! How glorious. Thank you Lost for not being a jerk this week.

However, just because Lost wasn't a jerk, doesn't mean the Internet wasn't. I mean, come on Internet, you're like the best superhero ever, can't you delete all the stuff that I don't care about? You know what I'm talking about here, use your powers for good!

Look at all this crap polluting you:

"jack" is the four toed statue = about 262,200 results
"jack is the four toed statue" = 2 results
"ben" is the four toed statue = about 224,000 results
"ben is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"richard" is the four toed statue = about 180,000 results
"richard is the four toed statue" = 1 result
"sun" is the four toed statue = about 141,000 results
"sun is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"juliet" is the four toed statue = about 132,000 results
"juliet is the four toed statue" = 1 result
"charlie" is the four toed statue = about 116,000 results
"charlie is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"vincent" is the four toed statue = about 90,600 results
"vincent is the four toed statue" = 2 results
"kate" is the four toed statue = about 79,000 results
"kate is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"jin" is the four toed statue = about 78,100 results
"jin is the four toed statue" = 1 result
"sawyer" is the four toed statue = about 67,400 results
"sawyer is the four toed statue" = 4 results
"ethan" is the four toed statue = about 64,000 results
"ethan is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"hurley" is the four toed statue = about 62,500 results
"hurley is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"desmond" is the four toed statue = about 53,500 results
"desmond is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"locke" is the four toed statue = about 48,900 results
"locke is the four toed statue" = 2 results
"aaron" is the four toed statue = about 44,700 results
"aaron is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"alpert" is the four toed statue = about 36,500 results
"alpert is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"john locke" is the four toed statue = about 33,500 results
"john locke is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"richard alpert" is the four toed statue = about 26,600 results
"richard alpert is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"claire" is the four toed statue = about 21,200 results
"claire is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"sayid" is the four toed statue = about 11,500 results
"sayid is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"widmore" is the four toed statue = about 7,510 results
"widmore is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"charles widmore" is the four toed statue = about 3,480 results
"charles widmore is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"christian shepherd" is the four toed statue = about 1,150 results
"christian shepherd is the four toed statue" = 0 results
"jack shepherd" is the four toed statue = about 487 results
"jack shepherd is the four toed statue" = 0 results

Come on now Internet. Get with the program and stop caring. You'll feel better, weigh less and have increased stamina!

Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson is not amused by this four toed foot obsession either.


(Image from The Forbidden Planet Blog)

LaFleur

Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, you must think you're so adorable... Did you really think showing me the back of the statue would make me care? Hmm? And, please, did you really show the whole thing, not just the foot? Oh, how you make me giggle.

I do not care!

(Image stolen from Lostpedia)

The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham

Locke's foot is shown repeatedly and the Internet explodes, "OMG! Locke is sooo the four toed statue."
































I still don't care.

Introduction.

On May 24, 2006 during the episode "Live Together, Die Alone", Lost showed viewers a four toed statue on the island's perimeter and it was pretty awesome.

Then everyone had to mention it after every episode and guess whose foot it might be, and it was not awesome.

And I decided that I don't care about the four toed statue.